Are You Related To Grumpy Smurf?

Yes. My grandfather was hl mencken... which is close enough to Grumpy Smurf.

Yes, glad you all asked... there's an interesting tale behind how it happened.. How my mother was his illegitimate child conceived in the baptismal compartment during the time Grandpappy was in Dayton Tn covering the Scopes trial... the church goers were so busy writhing in the aisles, PahRAISIN' the Lord, and dodging rattlesnake strikes they missed my grandmother slipping off behind the curtained stage, beckoning the famous journalist with a wry smile and a curling finger to follow. Indeed the cantankerous Baltimorian went to her. She said, "I wanna handle your snake, sir..." and slipped her hand down inside the pants of the Nietzsche-ite and Social Darwinist. "Mmm, I think Ill call this piece, Backwoods Brothel," wisecracked the Jew-bashing essayist.

Lemme know if you want the x-rated version.

Meth Dreams Under The Willow Tree

we're all kicking back...at the lake.. by god...drinking a few.. and little Greg, JC Lightnin's boy... starts wading into the putrid lake... then.. WTF.. a giant Gar fish rises out of the muck and swallows him whole..

we kick back again and think.. by god.. that was rather unusual..l

ater we fuck. and laugh. We build the biggest fucking bonfire ever in honor of the boy's memory.

I remember him punching my old lady in the snatch.

Greg's mother tries to drink an entire ocean.

We sleep, we dream sad dreams. We dream dreams that fuck the sun.

In the morning Greg's mother is fucking JC up in the willow tree.

Little Greg, you'll be missed.

42 Miles to Omaha

Being uncertain is a bitch. I need to be alone for awhile.

Then I woke up, and I was the last living human on earth, somewhere in middle America. And I loved it.

This lasted for 70 years.. without human hosts contagious diseases went into the deep freeze. I developed a strange habit of digging up graves and having tea parties with decomposed chaps, but other than that, I didnt miss a damn thing about the human race. I took up residence in the biggest library I could find in a city formerly known as Omaha. But I also travelled a lot. The roads were pretty safe. I set fire to Peoria Illinois just for kicks. Somehow I was always drawn back to Omaha.

I woke up again and I was in a pasture next to a highway. I watched cars zoom by all day. There was a sign on the highway and it said, 42 miles to Omaha...

It took me literally all the flaming day to realize, I was a cow.

http://cloningmagazine.com/cow.html

Thin Walls

I heard some people talking about having me killed through the wall of a motel room.. then I saw a tongue begin to stretch the wall thinner and thinner like skin... then the tongue started to flick licentiously at me. Then it shot a huge wad of slobber at the mirror on the other side of the room. When I saw the axe blade peeking through the splintered wood, I decided to get the hell out of there.

...that's the second strangest thing Ive heard through a thin wall.

A Special Hell

You're in a room forever with 3 people you truly care about.. they all have eyes swollen shut, their ears have been hacked off and the openings cauterized.. when you try to touch them you feel a shock and they go into convulsions. When you sit back and just try to feel comfortable that you are with them in silence, you become racked with intense stomach pain and spill its contents, which are spontaneously renewed.

...when they talk, and they can talk, all they talk about is how you betrayed them and abandoned them... That's when all you want to do is hold them. The compulsion is irrepressible.

If you ask for God's mercy, your eyes burn like two suns.